TAP 162 - Steven Farquharson Performs His Rap & Talks About Suppressed Emotions

Summary: 

In this episode I talk about to Steve Farquharson about how he suppressed emotion to protect others.  We talk about how he laughed off pain and suffering and how burying that affected him as he grew up. He also shares his rap with us at the end. 

Steven Farquharson is a transformational coach that works with creatives and entrepreneurs, helping them to become the fullest expression of themselves. He spends his time on a variety of creative projects from writing music and rapping, to videography, screenwriting, acting in comedy skits and more. Steven has created a body of work that inspires others to find their own gifts and share them with the world.

Links:

In the USA text "LEANIN" to 44222 To get my Toolkit to Overcome Anxiety

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In this particular episode you will learn:

- How Steven got ill as a child and how it affected him

- How when Steven displayed emotion he realized it affected others in a big way

- Why Steven began to bury his feelings

- How covering up his feelings was reinforced by doctors and nurses who were impressed by his ability to not show emotion

- How a mental shift may have put Steven into remission

- How Steven got into lots of relationships with a view to feel something

- Steven noticed that he wasn't dealing with emotions in a healthy way and how he laughed when it wasn't appropriate on a couple of occasions

- Steven talks about his creative side and how he got into rapping

- Steven then goes on to actually share his rap with us

Rap starts at 43:20

Here are the lyrics: 

I wanna tell every person that's ever been hurt
what they're worth
I'm sorry, you didn't deserve it
this life isn't perfect
I know you've got some scars inside
I've cried at night cause my mother's only daughter died
I can't fathom myself in that tragedy
I lack empathy at times when she's mad at me
But it's all love, that's the place that it comes from and
Everybody out there is, somebodies someone
It's such a conundrum and I can't seem to find the truth
I'm still recovering from dark times in my youth
Hospital nights with my mom by my side
I wanted to cry, but I just kept it inside
Cause I didn't want to hurt the people around me
So I put on a smile all the while I was drowning
and when I talked about my illness I'd just say it made me stronger
But I'd buried all the pain and I can't take it any longer


(BREAK)


To the people who supported me remember that I loved you all
But I was ashamed that I made you so uncomfortable
So I could not be vulnerable and tell you how I felt
I knew you couldn't handle it, I've got to be the man in this
But I was just a kid, I couldn't adjust to this
So I bury it, pretend it's all hilarious
And I use jokes to stay afloat when I can't cope
Words stuck in my throat, they choke me like a rope
So I become emotionless, I started hoping less
Instead I was just coping and dealing with all this broken mess


My anxiety said everybody's eyeing me
I'm not the man I try to be
And I don't think I have the strength


I can't find peace, so I fall to pieces
Till this ground underneath me crumbles I just think I need trust
My broken hearts leaking love so I'm depleted
and slowly defeated cause there's division in between us
Fuck it
I wanna grab the people next to me
and tell them what they've meant to me
Cause every life is temporary
I know that's scary
And the truth it hurts
but we all came from dirt
and we return within the cemetery
Dead and buried, I'll be referred to in the past tense
But I hope my presence was a present till my last breath
Past death, you can expect my words to live on
I try to set examples even though I know I've been wrong


(BREAK)


I'm kinda anxious cause I don't really know where
My life'll end up when I reach all my goals
like fuck it then what? When I reap what I sow
Will I really feel whole? Will I feel in control?
Or am I just a spec in the cosmos
Butterfly wings knock over dominoes
and my life is throw in throes the throne just goes
the flow of life so cold I go for gold
But


Voices in my head keep telling me I'm not enough
or that I've got it rough and maybe I should just give up
I try to interrupt cause one day I might just erupt
And self-destruct, oh fuck, I just can't stop thinking of...


bad scenarios damn can't barely hold onto plans
and rarely I go demanding burials
But I had to kill it
I'll Burn my fears alive
I put my soul through the fire just to see what survives


What's my purpose?
My vision sees the furthest
But I'm getting kinda nervous
Wondering If I deserve this
Desire burns like a furnace
Higher learning past the surface
If I'm earnest I would say my words are worthless


It's all worthless without action
I'm asking are we masking things we're lacking
with this fashion


We've all got lessons to learn
my stomach churns
I've learned we turn stern chasing things that we yearn for


Can you discern the truth or what's really relevant?
Lost in the elements wondering where the hell it went
And that's the elephant that we ignore
We're constantly bored without any passions to explore 


I'm headed for the shore, or some other metaphor
A feather in this weather I'm just drifting till my ever more
And the masks that I wore my truth was trapped in my core until at last it just poured out
And spilled on to the page


Maybe it comes with age but I see the beauty through the pain
I think I'm on a different plane
And I don't seem to see the same
A sea of fame just seems in vain to me if I don't reach my aims


But nothing lasts forever anyway
Eventually no one'll be alive to recall anyone or anything


When it's all said and done, in the setting sun
We're letting what we let in become webbing we can't escape from
And that's the piece we deny
The truthful eye sees that happiness and peace can only come from inside


I Write music from my heart strings till I fall apart
sing songs of art till I'm leaving my mark
But back to the start
Sit back, retract, relax and ask myself
What's this wealth if my dreams stay shelved


I think I'm too hard on myself
sometimes I just wanna unwind
But I hustle and I grind


The only message that I wanna show the youth
is to trust yourself because your heart holds the truth
in the dark and the ruthless parts don't come loose
Just fuck all the noise and LISTEN TO YOU